kung-fu

So this one time when I was twelve I was waiting for a bus at the kirkland transit center and this socially inept fat guy sat down next to me. The guy insisted on telling me all about his (presumably) imaginary life as a kung-fu master. I had no problem with this at first, but he was going on for a long time, and as his tales escalated I began to get pretty impatient. I was a pretty shy person at that time, so I didn’t, like, think about calling him out, but in retrospect, I was actually fairly pissed. I could have felt pretty justified coming at him with something like: “listen man, if pretending to be Bruce Lee is helping you deal with your self esteem problems, that’s great, but to me it’s really just a lot of bullshit that is of no concern, so stop lying and step the fuck off”.

That distinct feeling of irritation is what I feel when I fly on Virgin America, or am beset by some other “branded experience”. The carefully selected music / decor / uniforms / what-have-you that are found in all thickly branded establishments have about equal relevance to a ludicrous kung-fu story from a gigantic man-child: it might be a little bit entertaining, but will ultimately demean you both. The next time I find myself having to learn a special name for an ordinary sandwich, I will think of think of this fat man. I will consider his desperate need to gain peoples approval and imagine a more supportive approach:
“Hey Virgin America, it’s okay that you’re not really a vigilante crime fighter. Im an airline customer and I think your fine just the way you are. I don’t care if you only wear sweat pants, or if your safety video is tacky. Spare me your asinine posturing, I brought a fucking magazine.”
The (relatively) more positive gesture works better I think, and it takes us beyond the irritating “Planet Hollywood” factor of what makes branded experience irksome, and into what makes it more deeply troubling: that as a people we have become insensitive to the banal experience. The next time I encounter an obese introvert just waiting for a bus in a mundane fashion, (or patronize a business that resembles this experience) I will silently appreciatie it.